St. Paddy's in Portland

St. Patrick's Day is my absolute favorite holiday. The old Celtic gods blessed me with green eyes, freckles and a voracious appetite for cabbage, whiskey and misery, and should I not celebrate, those gods won't hesitate to take my freckles back. I don't celebrate my Irish heritage just once a year, no sir. I eat the traditional Irish dinner every time Ruski's serves it, I wake up to old Irish drinking songs, followed by a healthy rotation of the Pogues, The Pubcrawlers, Dropkick Murphy and Flogging Molly, and I drink Jameson and Bushmill's like it's water.

I know, I know. It sounds like I'm giving myself a giant Irish pat on the back. And I guess I am, because, well, I win at being Irish. Er, I'll win when I get that Irish accent down. Or live in Ireland. Or, or... dammit. I don't win.

But, you better believe I'm going to try! And there's plenty of celebrating to be had in Portland.

The events kick off FRIDAY, MARCH 13
The David Rowe Trio perform at the Maine Irish Heritage Center at 7:30 pm

SATURDAY, MARCH 14
Maine Roller Derby's Lucky Lass Throwdown with dancing, drinking, leg wrestling and human musical chairs at Bubba's is at 9 pm.

SUNDAY, MARCH 15
Brian Boru hosts a weekly Irish session from 3-6 pm with specials on Guinness.

MONDAY, MARCH 16
Bull Feeney's hosts Seanachie Nights, two hours of Celtic storytelling and songs, from 7-9 pm.

TUESDAY, MARCH 17
Take your celebration across the bay to the Inn on Peaks, where Boghat plays a free concert at 7:30 pm.

Slainte celebrates with music by Chris Keenan, Meghan Yates, Kevin Roper and Matt Zaro.

Get your laugh on at the Comedy Connection with Irish music and plenty of jokes from 4-7 pm.

And then there are the most popular spots for the big day.

BULL FEENEY'S
375 Fore St, Portland | 207-773-7210
Kegs & Eggs start at 6 am. Murphy's Lawernarers play at 7:30 am, followed by the Maine Public Safety Pipe & Drum Corps at noon. Of course, you can order Irish food and drink Guinness, Smithwicks or Harp all day and night. Try a Black & White (Guinness and Allagash) - it's delish.

RI RA
72 Commercial St, Portland | 207-761-4446
Take the St. Paddy's Day Plunge at the East End Beach at 5:30 am to raise money for the Children's Burn Unit. Doors open at 6 am with a free breakfast for plungers and an auction, but open to everyone. Bands playing throughout the day include the Bagpipers, the Nappertandies, and Bailey's Mistake.

BRIAN BORU
57 Center St., Portland, ME 04101 | 207 780-1506
You'll find Irish food - until supplies run out - and drinks all day. The rowdy crowd is sure to reenergize you during the afternoon slump. The bagpipers stop in at some point and you'll hear local Irish bands playing when the bagpipers aren't.

RUSKI'S
212 Danforth St, Portland ME | 207-774-7604
A visit to Ruski's in the West End will offer the typical shenanigans of fighting for a seat and charming the bar-lassie for a drink, but with specials like bangers, colcannon and all those tasty Irish foods you can't resist. Plus they have Guinness on tap and can make an Irish Car Bomb or Irish coffee like nobody's business. Show up at 7 am to snatch a table.

You can always visit The Snug or Slainte if you're trying to avoid amateur night in the Old Port. You know what you're getting into: drunk rejects wearing stupid green necklaces and fake shamrock tattoos, sloshing around the sidewalks and cackling about something completely unfunny. However, they are easy to push over (god, I love to see people fall down) and they won't notice when I steal their pitcher.