The problem with food is...it exists

I've heard that weight loss is 90% diet and 10% exercise. If that's even remotely true, I'm in deep sugar.

It means that jogging 2-3 times a week doesn't cancel out the six-pack of Geary's or the garbage fries or the Portland Pie Harbor Master that I had for breakfast.

It means that the workouts and the sweating and the "running ugly" will never bridge the chasm between me and the skinny pants of my past.

Fine. So I'll make good food choices instead of bad ones. Apples over donut holes. How hard can that be?

But the thing is, when the good-for-you grub sits hidden amongst the lively and spirited not-so-good-for-you food, it's hard to hit the "ignore" button.

It's temptation. It's calling your name. It's like it's meant to be.

It's the same reason why milk and eggs are at the back of the grocery store: so you'll have to walk down the crazy-delicious chocolate chip cookie isle. And everyone knows you won't be able to turn those little Keebler elves down. You're a sucker.

And 27 cookies later you'll be cursing yourself and you'll be feeling awful (and a little nauseated because that's a lot of cookies you just ate) when really you should be blaming the real ruiner of life: the grocery store manager.

I mean, I don't want to point fingers or anything, but clearly it's his fault. He's had it out for you from the start. (That's right Mr.! We're on to you!)

My point is, it isn't easy to reach past the Twix and grab a banana.

Which is why the new vending machines at our office gave me such a chuckle. At first glance it all looks on the up and up.

There's a "Balanced Choices" sign inside the machine encouraging eaters to "Taste the Possibilities." Oh my, that sounds lovely!

They've taken the liberty of pointing out healthy options with a quaint green leaf. Great idea, actually. Take the guesswork out. Books like "Eat This, Not That" only prove that, on the whole, we do a crappy job of figuring out what to eat.

So I scan the machine for green leaves (ignoring the irony of the sign's proximity to a bag of Doritos).



Hmm...not there...not there...not there....Where ARE the green leaves? Oh, there's one on some Kettlecorn. Not there...not there...not there....Oh! There's another one on some pretzels! How exciting! Pretzels!

All counted, there are five green leaves in the machine. Five out of 40 (not including the gum). It's like a "Ha ha, you can't have this" machine. Hey machine - stop taunting me, man!

The other machine has some Smart Ones TV dinners - which is cool. I've seen people in the office eating them so they must be a hit. But just a smidge below those healthy alternatives...Snickers ice cream bars.

Ouch. That's going to be hard to ignore. It's so warm and spring-like out. Ice cream sounds wonderful.

I mean, I haven't had it in months. And it's not like I eat it all the time - it'll just be a Friday treat - just this once. I ran the Back Cove last night for crying out loud! I've earned it!

Stop listening to my internal monologue!