Just when you thought it was safe... I'm back with CHICAGO, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE, WE OWN THE NIGHT, MICHAEL CLAYTON, NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS 3-D...

Having put the Best Picture winner off for so many years I finally got around to watching "Chicago" for the first time. I probably would have continued an existence void of a Gere-Zellweger-Zeta-Jones ensemble, but my girlfriend is one of those Rent-head musical theater nut-cases who nearly suffered an aneurism when casually revealed I hadn't seen it yet. And although I trust her taste in musicals, I was a little skeptical this time around since just the other week she coerced me into wasting eighteen dollars to see "Across the Universe." Needless to say we walked out of that one mid "Hey Jude."

For those of you who don't know "Across the Universe" is Julie Taymor's attempt to tribute "The Beatles" theatrically. But instead of a tender homage to the mop-tops audiences are hit with a musical movie on par with 2003's "From Justin to Kelly." Strap yourselves in as Bono sings "I Am The Walrus" and takes the gang on a drug induced trek across America where he will abandon them at a Cirque du Soleil performance run by none other than Eddie Izzard and an army of eight foot tall, blue toothpaste people.

What I have just described were the BEST ten minutes of the flick. Sorry to ruin it for you. Although if you're still interested in seeing the movie I haven't even started in on the wonderfully bland, incompatible love story between some blonde high-school chick on the rebound and a janitors illegitimate son. Cool stuff. Did I mention the characters were named Jude and Lucy? Yeah... It's that clever.

But anyway, this isn't about my hatred of "Universe." I wanted to introduce a question to you that's been hanging over my head since my viewing of "Chicago." And I want to put a disclaimer on this before all of you hard-core Broadway musical fans start pounding hate mail into my inbox: I LIKED CHICAGO.

There's my minimalist nut-shell review. I enjoyed Chicago. I support the Academy's decision to award the film six Oscars. And "Cell Block Tango" left me with my jaw open (weather because of the girls or because it was cinematically fantastic... I still do not know). A belated congratulations to the cast and crew. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner.

That said: What the hell happened to John C. Reilly? Where did his character end up when the credits rolled? Alone, divorced from his "floozy" wife with no kid on the way? Not that I don't think there's a place in the world for downer endings (my Dad would argue), but everything in that movie worked out for everybody else. Both Zellweger and Zeta-Jones were guilty of killing their husbands (Zeta-Jones, her sister as well) and were let off the hook through the help of a lawyer whose only love was money (Gere).

Now that's all fine and dandy, I'd just like to know what happened to "Mr. Cellophane" because they spent so much time building up his character and he was one of my favorites.

ON A MORE RECENT NOTE:

"We Own The Night" was good. Lots of emotion, great actors (Marky Mark, Joaquin Phoenix, Eva Mendes, and Robert Duvall) Although There was a bit of an atmospheric cross-dissolve in the third act and an awkward nude shot of Eva Mendes at the beginning of the film. You'll know what I mean when you see it.

"Michael Clayton" was okay but isn't a classic you need to rush right out and see. A little long, a little boring, though interesting enough to keep you paying attention. Lots of dialogue. Good acting. Probably Tom Wilkinson's best performance so far. The movie's almost worth seeing just for that. But as I said, the movie wasn't SPEC-TAC-ULAR (American Beauty reference... anybody catch that?) and I wonder what drew in George Clooney and Sydney Pollack as producers.

SOUND BYTES:

FIRST: Tyler Perry bothers me. How many domestic issues can you fit into a movie? I haven't seen "Why Did I Get Married," but its number one at the box office having raked in $21.3 million. Maybe I'll catch a matinee, but "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" and "Madea's Family Reunion" kind of turned me off of his films. Don't get me wrong, I love the Madea and Joe characters that Perry has created. I just think they deserve their own movie without being stifled by overly dramatized plot line.

SECONDLY: Where are "Into The Wild" and "The Darjeeling Limited?" Dying to see both. Nowhere in sight. Closest place playing either is in Boston. Keep your eye on the Nickelodeon listings.

THIRD: Will Ben Affleck prove himself worthy of his nod for "Good Will Hunting?" This time he flies solo, Damon's nowhere in sight, as Affleck writes and directs "Gone Baby Gone." Opening this Friday.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST: "The Nightmare Before Christmas" in 3-D will be playing at the Regal Newington 15 theater this Friday night. Show times are: 12:05, 2:20, 4:40, 7:20, 9:45.

Who's excited?