Things to do in Southern Maine, investigated personally and described by Shannon Bryan
(with only slight amounts of exaggeration, digression and references to ostraconophobia).
September 18, 2008
Every move you make, I'll be wasping you
Consider this your Thursday afternoon psychological exam. Today's topic: that old curmudgeon Paranoia.

Question
If you were sitting at a small table on your small apartment porch and you happened to notice a solitary wasp (as in the insect not the Protestant) resting on said table seemingly watching you...would you take it personally?
Would you think it was out to get you?
Watching your every move?
Planning an attack?
Building an arsenal?
Radioing its comrades?

Perhaps you wouldn't.
But what if, only days earlier, you had discovered its family's compound hidden within the folds of your patio umbrella?

And you had trapped the nest inside the umbrella with an industrial strength garbage bag?

And sealed it with Jesus tape?
All the while you're thinking "I've got 'em!" while forgetting that teenage Harry has just left for college and wasn't in the nest when you so heartlessly entrapped it.
Of course Harry - feeling homesick already - returns for the weekend under the pretense of doing some laundry only to discover his family has been destroyed.
Now? Now would you be paranoid?

It's a shame, too, about that wasp family. Sure, Uncle Lloyd always was kind of a pervert, but he was finally starting to get his act together after that stint at County.
And to Harry: I'm sorry. Please don't kill me in my sleep.
Comments
Glad I read this, since I thought it was Wednesday and the Thursday psych test pretty much cleared that up for me. I assume Harry's family no longer has much use for the machines he was going to use for that laundry. Any chance I can borrow them?
Posted by JonathanSeptember 18, 2008 03:02 PM
i'd be much more worried about the jesus tape. seriously.
Posted by marianneSeptember 19, 2008 01:50 AM
That trash bag really adds something to the outdoor decor. Bet your friendly neighbors can't get enough of the view.
Posted by KarenSeptember 19, 2008 07:51 AM
Yes. I would. Once upon a time, my siblings, friends, and I were having a crab apple fight and as I stepped back to let fly, I landed right on a nest of wasps. After doing my personal version of a tribal dance, followed by a mud bath (fresh from the Saco River), a hug, a kiss, and some ice cream to make everything all better, I, to this day, will bob and weave and without hesitation run like hell from a wasp, a bee, or a horsefly (yes, I have a nice little scar from one this summer). If there happens to be a can of raid close at hand, grab your gas masks...I will not hesitate to use the whoooooole can to make sure of certain death of said wasp. I hate bugs. Any bug.
Posted by LizSeptember 19, 2008 02:17 PM
GENIUS!!!
and to think, i hid as far back in my apt and attached stuff to a broom to make it long enough so i could swat down the nest from the comforts of behind the screen door. next time i'm using your method. :)
September 21, 2008 10:38 AM
Having been stung on my left leg three times in one day last weekend while mowing the lawn in shorts and flip flops... (yes I stepped on an underground nest and was attacked... and yes it apparently takes me getting stung in the same spot of the yard three times in three passes across the lawn with the mower to realize a pattern) ...I have no mercy for the bees or wasps. I filled the underground hive with rubbing alcohol, and have an arsenol of chemicals awaiting any of their relatives to return.
Posted by CliffSeptember 22, 2008 01:14 PM
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My dear, your mind works in strange, strange ways. LOL But honestly that's the last time I massacre a wasp nest. :) Thanks for the enlightenment (aka paranoia).
Posted by AndreaSeptember 18, 2008 02:58 PM