There is nothing more frightening than the unknown.

And the Future - that ethereal near-reality we're fated to walk into - is the most unknown of all.

We try to prepare for our presumptive futures (it's expected to rain, grab an umbrella; long drive, fill the tank; dinner with the family, bring the gin). And while all of our preparation may ultimately prove futile, there's a comfort in trying anyway.

So as I linger on the precipice of turning 30, and all the unknowns that come with it, I thought it might behoove me to research what to expect.

Unfortunately not much is known about the third decade of human life. While turning from 29 to 30 is a transition most people will eventually experience, the topic is still considered taboo in modern society.

Many deny being 30 - or act as though the age doesn't even exist. Many more wrongly think, "Sure, it happens to other people, but it will never happen to me."

Thankfully I was able to locate one woman who was willing to go on the record about the realities of [dun dun dun] turning 30.

Michelle Greenlaw* "crossed over" on October 4, 2008 and spoke openly about the grisly details in a recent interview.

Q: So Michelle, what changes did you notice on the morning of your 30th birthday?

Michelle: Well, to be honest, I didn't notice anything at first. I woke up and didn't feel any different. I started thinking that maybe I had the date wrong or that maybe being 30 years old wasn't all that different from being 29. But when I walked by the mirror I had to do a double-take. I didn't recognize myself.

I'm still getting used to the dramatic physical changes.

Q: I see. Definitely a dramatic alteration. What else did you notice?

Michelle: I knew things that I hadn't known earlier.

Q: You felt smarter?

Michelle: I AM smarter. I suddenly know how to do things like balance my checkbook and invest intelligently to maximize my financial viability. The electoral college makes perfect sense to me now and I finally understand the benefits or aerating the lawn.

Q: Wow, those are impressive gains.

Michelle: That's only the half of it. I never make the wrong decision any more. It's like I just know what to do all the time. Do I stay at my job or accept a new one - is the turnpike faster or the side streets - with cheese or without? Every time my decision is the right one!

Q: Sounds like 30 has brought with it a renewed confidence.

Michelle: Absolutely. Now that I'm 30, I don't get stressed out anymore. I don't worry at work or second guess myself. I'm never self conscious or sad either. Life is just perfect all the time!

Q: Interesting. Sounds like 30 is a dream come true. Why do you think people try to suppress this information?

Michelle: You know, I asked the same thing when I went to my first Decade Three Secret Society meeting.

Q: Wait, you mean there's a secret club for thirty year olds?

Michelle: Of course. I found out about it the day I turned 30. They sent me a text message. You don't HAVE to go to meetings, but you only get the free house if you do.

Q: Come again? They gave you a house?

Michelle: Well sure, I'm 30. And 30 year olds should own houses, right? I heard the Decade Six Secret Society gives out golf carts and ill-fitting pants.

Q: This is unbelievable. I find it hard to believe that all this is happening and 20-somethings have no idea.

Michelle: Well, the Decade Three Secret Society requested that newcomers help maintain the secret. I'll probably get in trouble for talking to you now. But they said that our 20s are still a decade of learning and we shouldn't hinder that. Twenty-somethings still need that time to explore the world and grow as individuals. Besides, it's incredibly funny for us to watch them screw up all the time.

Q: You're laughing at the expense of the inexperienced? I find that mildly disconcerting.

Michelle: We are. In fact it was hilarious watching you struggle to make that apple pie When you turn 30, you'll know how to cook everything! But my new 30-year-old friends and I had quite the laugh over it.

Well, thanks for your openness today Michelle. While I'm perplexed by some of this information, I do look forward to laughing at younger people from the comfort of my new house.

So the truth finally steps into the light. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the sandwich shop to drink coffee and await my Pulitzer.

*Names have not been changed to protect the innocent. Innocent people don't laugh when you're trying to make a pie anyway.