I've never called myself a "runner." Even during those two consecutive summers that I trained for and ran the Beach to Beacon, I considered the endeavor one of complete absurdity. I mean me - NOT a runner - training for a 10K. That's what made it funny.

In high school I spent a portion of my freshman year wearing shin guards, loitering on a field in front of a soccer goal. But I never dared to refer to myself as a "soccer player."

True soccer players love the game, train to improve and don't ask the coach if they can be goalie just so they don't have to run as much.

See, nouns like "runner" or "athlete" or "night stalker" have certain implications. They indicate a lifestyle, a passion, maybe even a talent. They raise expectations as to how fast you move or how well you can disguise yourself behind residential landscaping.

"Runners," in theory, run often and run well.

I do neither.

So no, I'm not a runner. But for some reason I sometimes find myself running anyway.

I've already blogged about the Portland contingent of the Hash House Harries (officially dubbed "Pour-Me"). It's an excellent excuse to get motivated during a season that makes it so easy to...well, nap. But if you don't like ending your runs with dirty drinking songs and inquisitions into your sex life, there are plenty of other runs to get your feet moving.

Polar Bear 5K: Feb 14th

Yes, it's Valentine's Day. And sure, being greeted in the morning with flowers and an original sonnet (read aloud and backed by a violinist) is one way to get your heart racing. But should you suspect that that might not be how your Feb 14th is going to begin, why not do something good for yourself?

You could down a vodka millkshake instead, if that's part of your journey, but I think you deserve better than that.

All the Polar Bear 5K info

The Snowman Adventure Race: Feb 21st

Four words: A sled is involved. The two-man relay starts on the Eastern Prom and requires racers to take a sled down the East End hill. One person runs 2.25 miles, the other bikes 4.5. Post-race soups from Maine Squeeze will help deter the chill. And a post-race happy hour at Ri-Ra will supply the drinkable reward.

And heads up: Race director Patrick Hackleman tells me that you might feel out of place without a costume. So prepare yourselves.

All the Snowman Adventure info

Pineland Farms Winter Tri: March 1st

This ain't your momma's triathlon. It's a 4K snowshoe run, 10K mountain bike (on roads) and 8K cross-country ski. I think we've all harbored a few fantasies about running in snowshoes. There's just something graceful and courtly about it.

You can enter as an individual or get some pals together for a relay.

All the Pineland Farms Tri info

Irish Road Rover 5K: March 8th

This St. Patrick's Day-inspired 5K has been running (pun intended) for over a decade. The course heads up India Street to the Eastern Prom, loops back and ends agreeably close to Brian Boru.

I'm just sayin'.

All the Irish Road Rover info

Don't fancy yourself a runner? Me neither. But I'm running 'em anyway.