Life is chock full of tough decisions, like whether to pay off your student loans or to fake your own abduction and start fresh in a friendly neighboring country to the north.

This weekend the decisions get tougher. You'll need to choose between two derbies: The Kentucky Derby or the Maine Roller Derby.

I find that it helps to list the perks and downsides of a decision, so let's break it down.

Maine Roller Derby is live! Of course, that makes it harder to Tivo. If you step away to the ladies' room and miss a raucous collision, you'll have to be satisfied with your half-drunk friend's retelling of the incident.

Since you'll be watching the Kentucky Derby on the ol' TV, you'll have access to instant replays. You'll also have two minutes of bliss sandwiched between Geico or ShamWow commercials.

But the Kentucky Derby is grand excuse to wear that monstrous sun hat grandma bequeathed you Christmas morning '05. And should you glue-gun a few daffodils and a miniature plastic horse to the brim - even better!

At Maine Roller Derby you won't have any of those broads in big hats blocking your view. Plus, when you "WooHoo" from the beer garden, the ladies of the MRD can actually hear you.

Conversely, those jockeys at the derby will never hear a thing you say. You can tell them to "ride hard, dammit!" or "pull back!" or "Eat something!," but it won't do any good.

On the money angle, the Kentucky Derby gambling is heftier. You could buy a house with your potential winnings - maybe even afford one on the peninsula!

At the Maine Roller Derby, your best bet is to loiter near the keg and hope someone drops a twenty whilst waiting in the beer line.

The beer, of course, is a perk to roller derby. The beer garden has room aplenty - either standing against the rail or seated comfortably in the stands.

If you're watching the Kentucky Derby, you'll be served a mint julep. The downside is, you'll be drinking a mint julep.

The Kentucky Derby does have those awesome jockeys - those little fellas are cool to watch, and they look so much like real people!

The ladies of Maine Roller Derby are impressive to watch too - but you can't heckle them like you would a jockey. No one's intimidated by a 5-foot-4, 80-pound man in a silk shirt. But any one of the MRD women can knock you out cold. (I heart you Punchy O'Guts, please don't hit me!)

You'll see helmets at both derbies - but you'll get to be colorfully distracted by the distinctive "silks" at the Kentucky Derby. On the other hand, you get to use the word "panty" at Maine Roller Derby at often as you want and never be singled out as a pervert.

Well, maybe a mild pervert. (Panties are roller derby helmet covers.)

You may even know some of the members of the MRD. In that sense, you'll feel a deeper connection to the bout.

It's unlikely that you know any of the jockeys, or that one of the horses doubles as your hair stylist. Instead, you'll form a connection to a contender based on how much you like his colors or how many puns you can form based on the horse's name.

The name thing is important - and you'll find plenty to work with during both events. At the Kentucky Derby you'll see Papa Clem, West Side Bernie and Mr. Hot Stuff.

Not bad.

At Maine Roller Derby: Miss Creant, Graceless Kelly and Olive Spankins.

Much more entertaining.

And with the intensity of roller derby, it's also nice to know that, should a skater get injured, it's less likely that she'll be permanently put out to pasture. That's a bonus.

So weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself. Once you've figured it out, try these derby events on for size:

Maine Roller Derby
6:00 pm Saturday @ The Expo, Portland

Kentucky Derby parties
4:00 pm Saturday @ Dockfore, Portland
4:00 pm Saturday @ Foreplay, Portland
6:00 pm Saturday @ Scarborough Downs