Its' so quiet in here right now that I almost fear the sound of typing will wake my family. Today was a good day, a balanced day I'd like to proclaim, as that has been in short supply lately.

I got this new year "idea" thing, not a resolution, cause I just think that "R" word in and of itself sets you up for failure.

I discovered that I was horribly out of balance right about Monday the 22nd, the MLK holiday. I took a yoga class, and at the end of it I was bawling. Why? I have not taken care of my SELF, in oh I don't know, about 5 years.

I am talking full neglect here folks, I've been pill popping (antidepressants, they give em to all us mothers) and trying to find a solution that would be the loophole to jump through. Something, anything, to make this job easier!

What have I found? Well just like everything else, it comes down to more hard work. I need to take care of myself. Like I don't know maybe eat right and exercise. What a concept eh?

But you know what the thing is, no one tells you that! They say things like "take it easy" and they mean well I know. But how does a Mom of three little ones take it easy, if she doesn't make it a scheduled event in her day? So that is what it will take.

I'm reading an excellent book at the moment that has greatly empowered me as a person and a mother. It's called "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the age of anxiety". There is some strange stuff going on out there in the motherland.

Take this for instance, I befriended a woman at the doctors office that I go to. Our relationship has never gone beyond that context, but I like her very much. Her two children are 8 & 10 years old. She remembers having young ones and she always asks about my boys.

The other day she tells me she was having this weird hot flash, she knows it is not menopause, so she starts thinking, and realizes that she has not eaten at all that day. It's 3:00. She jokes with me, saying, "you understand, you're a mom." Like it just the silliest thing in the universe that this grown woman has not eaten all day. She's just been treating her body and mind like a machine and expecting that it would just keep going.

Guess what? I have done the same thing. I no longer think it is funny. I think it is a unique sort of warped motherhood martyrdom. I think it's kind of stupid, and irresponsible. What I have come to understand is that I am not a MACHINE, and I can't do it all, at least not well. The #1 killer of women is heart disease. Mark my words, it has much to do with the fact that we do not take care of ourselves.

I'm hitting the mat, (the yoga mat). Back to basics if you will. I'm thinner than before I had my children, but I am the most out of shape. I used to be able to slide into the postures like there was no tomorrow, on MLK I was unable to find my balance and hold the pose. I was ashamed that this was where I was. I am not beating myself up about it, I am just changing it.

I will not model this craziness to my boys as an example of exemplary woman hood. I want my boys to know that in addition to being their number one fan; I am also a lover of life, a writer, a dedicated steward of my body.

Self sacrifice is overrated. My new mantra is what every flight attendant will explain to you. In the event of an emergency, you must first pull down the oxygen mask and administer it to YOURSELF. Only then will you have the where with all to take care of your children.

E-mail this entry to a friend