Its' so quiet in here right now that I almost fear the sound of typing will wake my family. Today was a good day, a balanced day I'd like to proclaim, as that has been in short supply lately.

I got this new year "idea" thing, not a resolution, cause I just think that "R" word in and of itself sets you up for failure.

I discovered that I was horribly out of balance right about Monday the 22nd, the MLK holiday. I took a yoga class, and at the end of it I was bawling. Why? I have not taken care of my SELF, in oh I don't know, about 5 years.

I am talking full neglect here folks, I've been pill popping (antidepressants, they give em to all us mothers) and trying to find a solution that would be the loophole to jump through. Something, anything, to make this job easier!

What have I found? Well just like everything else, it comes down to more hard work. I need to take care of myself. Like I don't know maybe eat right and exercise. What a concept eh?

But you know what the thing is, no one tells you that! They say things like "take it easy" and they mean well I know. But how does a Mom of three little ones take it easy, if she doesn't make it a scheduled event in her day? So that is what it will take.

I'm reading an excellent book at the moment that has greatly empowered me as a person and a mother. It's called "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the age of anxiety". There is some strange stuff going on out there in the motherland.

Take this for instance, I befriended a woman at the doctors office that I go to. Our relationship has never gone beyond that context, but I like her very much. Her two children are 8 & 10 years old. She remembers having young ones and she always asks about my boys.

The other day she tells me she was having this weird hot flash, she knows it is not menopause, so she starts thinking, and realizes that she has not eaten at all that day. It's 3:00. She jokes with me, saying, "you understand, you're a mom." Like it just the silliest thing in the universe that this grown woman has not eaten all day. She's just been treating her body and mind like a machine and expecting that it would just keep going.

Guess what? I have done the same thing. I no longer think it is funny. I think it is a unique sort of warped motherhood martyrdom. I think it's kind of stupid, and irresponsible. What I have come to understand is that I am not a MACHINE, and I can't do it all, at least not well. The #1 killer of women is heart disease. Mark my words, it has much to do with the fact that we do not take care of ourselves.

I'm hitting the mat, (the yoga mat). Back to basics if you will. I'm thinner than before I had my children, but I am the most out of shape. I used to be able to slide into the postures like there was no tomorrow, on MLK I was unable to find my balance and hold the pose. I was ashamed that this was where I was. I am not beating myself up about it, I am just changing it.

I will not model this craziness to my boys as an example of exemplary woman hood. I want my boys to know that in addition to being their number one fan; I am also a lover of life, a writer, a dedicated steward of my body.

Self sacrifice is overrated. My new mantra is what every flight attendant will explain to you. In the event of an emergency, you must first pull down the oxygen mask and administer it to YOURSELF. Only then will you have the where with all to take care of your children.

Life has a way of handing you a new leaf and saying here, "turn this over." My husband's job has been removed, as a part of a consolidation effort at the bank that he works for. While we weren't planning on it, we are actively searching for a new job.

I say we, because what ever happens in his world of work, affects the rest of the family. It's interesting because up until recently, I did not have to care about anyone else but myself. Then we grew a family and well, I'm still trying to figure that out honestly. Look for a future blog about balance, if I ever find it.

You ought to see me, I'm on the computer looking for jobs for him, using keywords that I have no idea the meaning of. "Hey honey they need you to have your GTFC certification, do you have that?" I must be doing something right because I got him the job he has now.

So the thing here is, that Maine is not exactly a place for a professional of his caliber. It took us two years to find this job. Sure there are jobs, they just don't pay enough to feed the kids, a thing we find mildly important. God help us when they all hit puberty around the same time. I think I will have to either have 3 refrigerators, or go to the grocery store daily. We're saving for it now.

So the search is on, we have considered moving to Europe, to be closer to his folks. We are looking into telecommuting positions. But right now I am obsessed with moving to Austin Texas. Why? well the music scene is amazing. My very own Patty Griffin moved there. I say my very own, of course I'm just another adoring fan of hers, except I have met her brother, which of course means that I have .... absolutely nothing.

I already have an old friend there too, which to me makes it a real possibility. Without her there, the city would not seem like an option.

So we shall see, in the meantime I am trying to enjoy the snow, I'm failing at that by the way. When it's painful to go outside, you've made umpteen snowmen, the cold makes your nose bleed, your kids are climbing the walls, you think to yourself; maybe it's time to turn over that new leaf.

This month marks five years of marriage to my lovely husband. What a ride, we have what I like to call our own little "cha cha cha chia family!" Just add water, ok not exactly water.... Five years married as of January 11th, and three little boys to our name.

We don't know what we are doing the weekend of January 11th, but we already have plans for the children: they are visiting Gram and Gramp!

Ah what shall we do? Maybe a quick trip to New York City to eat at a fancy restaurant and stay in the midst of it all. Maybe stay home and actually do the things we have been meaning to, but never have the time? Fun stuff like organize our files, and go through all of the baby stuff that our kids have outgrown.

Inevitably we will avoid chores even if we stay home. We end up doing absolutely nothing because we can't think of what the heck to do with ourselves without the kids. We sit there and ask one another, "What should we do?" "I don't know what do you want to do?" "No, I asked you first." And so it goes.

Upon the occasion that we manage to get out of our house, one of the very first topics of conversation is always: What if something happens to the kids or us while we are away from each other? Then we launch into our diatribe about how we really have to write a will and choose who gets the kids if we kick the bucket.

What a nice way to start a romantic weekend! As you can see, even when the kids aren't right in front of your face stressing you out, they are still stressing you out.

Of course we talk ourselves out of the doom and gloom eventually, and tell each other that in reality nothing is going to happen to them. It's not any more likely that they will be hurt on someones else's watch than our own. In fact every emergency so far, has been when I'm standing right next to the boy of the hour!

It's a new year, I for one only hope that my family remains healthy and happy. I'll take all the little annoyances and stresses if he just keeps my family safe.