I just had to write after I read the "Seen Jesus lately? Me neither" blog a few weeks ago. I won't lie (never have, never will), it upset me. I mean, it's a lose-lose situation for me sometimes - cynicism has made my job difficult.

You appear to someone in a dream and they wake up, go to Borders, buy a dream interpretation book and end up believing they're about to come into some money (in which case they stop off at a gas station to purchase a flurry of Lotto tickets) or someone in their family is going to become ill (in which case they watch their mother-in-law with devout - and disturbingly upbeat - anticipation).

But nobody thinks it's really me.

Appear to someone as a warming bright light, an angel in the sky or even a benevolent voice in the dark and they shake their head in disbelief, eyeball the beer can in their hand and wonder "What the hell is IN this." Should they mention the incident later, they'll be rewarded with a fast-track ticket to the bughouse.

So I go out of my way to ease into people's lives - a tortilla here, a water stain there. And sometimes it works. Sometimes I get that blessed look of recognition. Sometimes a full week of appreciation, understanding and worship goes by before I'm mis-employed as a for-profit neighborhood attraction. Eventually the word "eBay" comes up and I'm sold along side five Webkinz and a toaster.

It seems like nobody takes me seriously.

My most recent appearance wasn't even noticed for years! There I am, in plain view on a tree in the front yard of a Portland home. Months go by without even a glance. I even start shouting, "I'm over here!" and still nothing.

Then finally, last week, discovery!

"Awesome," I thought. "Now I'll finally be able to spread my message of love to those who need it most." Then I notice the keen-eyed lady is giggling, calling others over, pointing and taking photos.

I closed my eyes in despair. "Ugh, another cynic."

So please, a little respect and consideration is in order. I've thus laid out some ground rules:

1. Jesus is everywhere, so keep your eyes peeled (and stop doing that thing you do when you think no one is looking. It's gross).

2. While Jesus can and has appeared on edible goods, he's shutting down that avenue going forward. People don't seem to pay much attention to what they're eating these days and Jesus ends up in a place he doesn't want to be.

3. Don't sell Jesus on eBay. Think about it. It's just not right.

Eternally yours,
Jesus

UPDATE:
Andrea, please don't get down on yourself. Here, I've outlined my profile on this image so you can better see it.