When you're seriously aching for a local news fix, breaking into a stranger's house to use the internet might be worth the risk.

WATERVILLE 9:24 p.m., a Drummond Avenue resident returned home to find an unknown woman’s purse and an empty juice container inside her home. The caller told police someone also had used her computer to read the news but had not disturbed anything else inside the house.
[From the Morning Sentinel police log]

I have no idea who could have done such a thing.

No idea.

No idea whatsoever.

Stop looking at me like that.

Just yesterday it occurred to me that it had been over a week since I last used the "Mainers behaving badly" cop image. Where were the riotous lawbreakers that grace us with such comical fodder? Had the blazing summer sun calmed the dumb-criminal spirit?

Nope.

The Morning Sentinel ran a story today about a Pittsfield woman who has been arrested for calling 911. Her 'emergency'? Missing house keys.

Pittsfield woman charged with misuse of 911 line

You can almost forgive the woman if it had been just once -- and if she really didn't understand how ridiculous her request was. But...

According to a partial Somerset County dispatch center call log, (Sandra) Hickey called 911 six times in less than 30 minutes on July 24, as well as three times in 45 minutes on July 27...

Hickey, who allegedly was intoxicated at the time of the calls, would sometimes make an excuse for calling the emergency number, (Sgt. Timothy Roussin of the Pittsfield Police) said. At one point she claimed to have information on a murder, police say. But her complaints always went back to the missing key, Roussin said.

Now the arrest makes sense. But, oh, the irony!

The missing house key, it was later learned, had been returned without Hickey's knowledge, Roussin said.

Absurd 911 calls are a nation-wide phenomenon. Glumbert.com has a nice package of some of the most inane: How to misuse 911

Of course, there's nothing like using 911 as a dating hotline. You'll may recall this story from last year:

Bless the internet for making this brilliant stuff so accessible. Some people are just...wait...where's my lucky pen? It was just here! I need that pen! My handwriting looks so good when I write with that pen!

[Dialing]

"Hello, 911?...Yes, it's an emergeny... "

The Lewiston Sun Journal ran a story yesterday about a naked woman who was pulled over for speeding. She and a (clothed) male passenger claimed they had been in the woods and her clothes washed away in a stream. Riiiiiiight.

But it doesn't end there. Woman tells the officer she has to pee. Officer says "follow my vehicle." Instead, male passenger gets behind the wheel and blows past the officer, weaves into oncoming traffic and eventually comes to a stop before running over "stop sticks."

Shockingly, both the naked woman and her friend had apparently been drinking. Never saw that coming.

Admittedly, it's a fuzzy line that differentiates when it is and when it isn't OK to be naked. I think we've all felt the embarrassment of walking into, say, a grocery store and realizing, oops, no one else is naked.

So here are a few nudity guidelines. Follow them if you wish. Or don't.

When it is and isn't OK to be naked:

In the bathroom...
...taking a shower: OK
...passed out on the floor at Bull Fenney's: Not OK

In the mall...
...in the dressing room: OK
...in the shoe department: Not OK

In the kitchen...
...toasting bread: OK
...deep frying anything: Not OK

Showing up at the neighbors
...if they're nudists: OK
...any other time: Not OK

Swimming...
...in a private pool: OK
...at Fun Town/Splash Town USA at noon on a Saturday: Not OK

Jumping...
...into bed: OK
...rope: Not OK

Posing...
...for an art class: OK
...in front of a web cam sent to you in the mail by a new "friend" you met online: Not OK

Really, I have nothing else to add:

IN WATERVILLE, Monday at 8:57 p.m., the manager at Best Western Inn on Upper Main Street reported a large group of teenagers rented four rooms and were running through the halls, yelling and screaming. A fight occurred in one of the rooms, which prompted several complaints from hotel guests, the manager reported.

An officer met with a couple of the teens in the lobby and they escorted him to the leader of their church youth group, who is a pastor, according to the report. The pastor said the youth group was riding motorcycles from Saugus, Mass. to Nova Scotia and were on their way back to Massachusetts and had stopped at Best Western for the night. In the group was a 14-year-old who has attention deficit disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, bi-polar disorder and other mental health issues and he did not get his medications on time and threw a bucket of ice across the hotel room, the pastor said. The boy was restrained by several other members of the group, the pastor reported.

The hotel manager requested the teens be removed from the hotel because of complaints by hotel guests. The group was refunded its money and left the hotel cooperatively, according to the report.

Thanks again Morning Sentinel Police Logs.

There's a mention in today's Morning Sentinel police logs of a young fellow from Millinocket who's been arrested for allegedly burglarizing a couple of convenience stores.

Alright - no big news there. Really, isn't that why convenience stores exist? To hang around in the neighborhood (sell stuff, whatever) until one of us needs cash for drugs, booze, pier fries or new pants?

But this Millinocket guy - he's a thinker. He's not wasting his time with a few 20-dollar-bills from the register, or even the few grand he could shake from the ATM (if you haven't seen video of people chaining ATMs to their trucks and literally dragging the machines down the street, you're missing out).

He's taking this huge chance with his liberty to take a huge chance on the lottery.
That's right:

Nick Kessel, 23, is accused of burglarizing the Clinton Variety Store and the Clinton Country Market late Sunday or early Monday, according to Kennebec County Sheriff Randall Liberty. A Kennebec County deputy arrested Kessel around 2 a.m. Monday. Kessel was found with multiple lottery tickets, Liberty said.

Really? Lottery tickets?
Call me crazy, but I'd only risk jail time for some in-hand cash.

What was really reported in Kennebec Journal's police logs today:

Randolph SATURDAY At 7:43 p.m., a Windsor Street caller reported getting harassing phone calls.

What I imagine really happened:

The police took note of the complaint and, after asking the caller to please calm down, terminated the call.

The caller called back, frustrated by the annoying phone calls, to reiterate to police what a nuisance the calls were.

A half-hour later, the caller phoned again and was told that the complaint had been recorded and to kindly not call again.

At midnight the caller phoned again and began breathing heavily into the phone.

At 1:00 a.m. the caller begged officers to help stop the harassing phone calls the caller was receiving, saying, "Do you know how frustrating it is to be constantly bothered by some lunatic?" Police officers "accidentally" hung up on her.

The caller phoned again at 1:35 a.m. After several minutes of silence the caller exclaimed, "I won't be ignored!" and asked the officer on the phone if he had any children - and if so, did they own any rabbits.

At 2:32 a.m. the caller phoned police in hysterics and requested police presence for fear that the person making the disturbing phone calls might harm the caller.

Police Officer "Smith" was dispatched to the caller's home.

In an unrelated story, Police Officer "Smith" has been arrested for locking an elderly Randolph woman in her basement.

The Kennebec Journal and Morning Sentinel police logs always provide for some interesting reading. And it's a good way to learn about all the different things you can be arrested for.

For example, if you're part of a magician's act and he pulls the abracadabra act and you don't reappear as expected:

IN MADISON, Friday, Jenny Morales, 31, of Madison was arrested on a charge of failure to appear.

The rabbit got off on a technicality.

If you're a surgeon, it shouldn't be any news to you that performing a surgery after a night on the town can get you into trouble:

IN SKOWHEGAN, Monday at 9:35 p.m., Rick Rollins, 36, of Athens was arrested on a charge of operating under the influence.

Luckily the patient's implants were a success, albeit a tad lopsided.

You can also apparently be arrested for being outstanding:

At 12:57 a.m., police arrested Jeremiah Greenlaw, 26, of Augusta, on an outstanding warrant.

Sounds like an award: Congratulations for the Most Outstanding Warrant of the Year!

Can't forget the cheap jokes, either:

IN OAKLAND, Monday at 10:37 p.m., police went to Cascades on High Street to unlock a car that was running with an infant inside.

The police must have been running pretty fast to catch up.

That was bad - I'm sorry.

Most of the activity in today's police log update was mundane -- your day-to-day break-ins and property damage. But a Fairfield restaurant was feeling the burden of an elusive "inappropriate orderer" (not the technical term).

IN FAIRFIELD: 11:02 a.m., police investigated reports of "ridiculous orders" being placed to an Asian food restaurant.

Now I could guess at the orders myself, but I'm not really feeling the inappropriateness this moring. I'll leave that for you folks to guess (seriously, post your inappropriate orders below).

Continue reading "Oh my! We don't serve that here!"

Okay amateur detectives and CSI fanatics (who are practically experts), Gardiner needs your sleuthing skills. According to a Police Log update posted last night, Gardiner police are asking for the public's help in catching a booze and smokes burglar:

GARDINER — Police are seeking the public’s assistance in obtaining any information that could lead to arrests in connection with the March 30 burglary of Tiger Town Beverage.

“We’re looking for some help — especially from parents — because a large quantity of cigarettes and beer was stolen,” said Police Chief James Toman. “It amounted to several thousand dollars worth of cigarettes alone.”

Toman said his officers believe the cigarettes are now being sold illegally on the street for “a lot less than store value.”

“We’re just looking for some assistance and if parents should notice that their kids have more cigarettes than normal, we’d like to know,” he said.

Um..."kids [who] have more cigarettes than normal"? Oh sure, sure. If you walk into little Timmy's room and see he's built a G.I. Joe compund out of cartons of Pall Malls, you may want to contact authorities.

Or if little Suzi* invites her dolls to a tea party - then serves a case of Budweiser - you might want to have her arrested.

We at MaineToday.com are also taking this burglary very seriously. If you know anyone who is selling cheap cigarettes or beer, please contact us immediately. We will the retrieve the stolen items. Oh - and bring the goods to the Gardiner Police...maybe.

*Little Suzi not to be confused with MaineToday.com producer Suzi Piker